i made up my mind, i set out to find answers and stand up for myself. i did it all and came out on top with something stronger than i thought i had. dad says i wear my heart on my sleeve...it's both blessing and a curse, easily hurt, easy to see how much i can love someone. i think i found something special, and i don't intend to let it go when i have a fighting chance. knowing that the opportunity was there for me to take i reached and grabbed and held on.
that night, laying in bed with him, i suddenly realized that following this gut instinct was the best thing i could have done.
i love you.

it's late and i should be going to bed but...i can't make myself. i know i can't blame him for his inability to call me promptly...but it does hurt to wait around for his call. then when i decide to give him a call i never get though. i'm sure chris is tired of my messages "it's me, calling for my boyfriend...please have him call me, thanks bye." *click*
i told myself that i wasn't going to do another long distance relationship. that it would bring up too much stuff. but i did, and it is. last night i laid on my bed, curled inward, sobbing into my pillow and shaking. i think i needed it. i felt better after. it still doesn't help the fact that i'm stressed out about our relationship and everything else in my life. blah, i don't want to give up on this if i've finally found someone who i could possibly make a life with (and i could)...but everyday this little seed of doubt drills a fresh hole through my heart, and every night it heals with the sound of his voice and his promises of love.
i'm trying not to fall down but i may end up tripping over my own feet.
the smell of his hair, the color of his eyes, the taste of his mouth, and the feel of his hands is fading quickly from my memory. i used to be able to last up to three months...i've barely started the third week and i'm crumbling. most of the time i'm content to bleed just to feel the healing again, but on those lonely nights(like tonight)i feel like running away. but i think it's the sliver of belief that makes me stay.

I think someone needs to remix Ace of Base into hard core techno.
that is all.

i've been called "baby" before but never with such feeling. we've known eachother just a little while yet it feels as though i've known him all my life. the way i find him staring at me when i'm not paying attention makes me giggle. he looks at me as though i was the only person around for miles. he holds my hand when we walk together, curls me into his arms to keep warm if we're having a cigarette. maya says he doesn't put up with my shit and deals some right back, but i haven't noticed.

we met while i was home for break, in the mock-smoke of a downtown seattle bar. he was wearing knit gloves with the fingers cut off and shook my hand to introdruce himself. he had an affectionate smile, clean shaven and bright blue eyes. I immidiately asked if he was gay considering the back of his hair was dyed floresent pink. he laughed off my question with a quick "no, i'm not" and i noticed the way the laugh touched his eyes and the fact that he had straight, white teeth.

later i found his standing outside smoking. i went to join him and as i put my cigarette to my lips he was already flicking on his lighter for me. we chit-chatted and small-talked about ourselves. i asked if he knew the band that was playing tonight and he replied he was their manager. we had much in common and walked back into the bar together. on our second smoke break i asked if he was seeing anyone, he said no. he told me about his heritage and i related my own. he led me to the front of the stage to watch his band play, we bumped hips together to the beat and i laughed when the singer leaned down to let him sing along into the mic.

he gave me his number before i left and i called him later that night to make plans to see him the next day. we saw eachother about every day after that till i left to come back to school. sadly it was only a week and a half. we spent new years together and kissed when the ball dropped.

he makes me feel better. like i'm needed, like someone cares about me besides my parents and friends. we got along so well, it was like we were made for eachother...cliche i know, but it's how i feel. he treats me like a princess, even if i tell him not to. he loves my family and drove every day to see me. i feel safe again as myself, i don't have to hide my true self for him, in fact he adores my little quirks. he says things like "where have you been all my life?" and how beautiful i am even if i've just rolled out of bed.

i miss him so much...he should be coming to visit sometime and i can't wait!

As I sit and smoke my cigarette in the chill autumn night air I wonder where the exhale of smoke ends and my breath begins. It’s raining for the first time in months and it doesn’t seem to want to end. Days and nights of delicate drizzle fade into each other like day fades into night. My loneliness suddenly grips me to the bones like the cold and I realize how tired I am. Its nights like these that bring all my memories flooding back to me. Where I used to be starts to feel like forever ago and I wonder where I am headed. Where I have been has made who I am; what am I? I am a muddy river, endlessly flowing through life after the torrential down pour; swollen from the crashing of love and lust colliding like the wave against a rock. I am angry and sad. Angry about the past, and sad for the future. All the love we once had has been swallowed down stream and is now lost forever. How has it come to be so? I think about the feeling in your voice after so many years of not hearing a word spoken from those lips. It is frightening to speak again. Unknowing where we will end up in the long run. Everything used to be so planned, prepared for. I feel lost in the darkness of not knowing anything anymore. I wish for the certainty again, for the hope and strength that used to be our relationship. It hurts me to talk to you, not absolutely sure what you think of me anymore. Is it true love that has brought you around to want this friendship? I am not certain and it scares me to death. I know you hurt, and so do I, but how much do you hurt? Is it the pain I brought on you that makes you hurt? So many questions left unanswered. My head aches from the dreams, nightmares, where you haunt me with kindness and emotion. I dream for a love lost, I threw it away and now I am bleeding at the fingertips ripping through the trash in search of some remaining bit. I imagine us finally reuniting, the first awkward steps towards each other only end in our passionate kisses and embraces; you come to realize how much you still love me once you look at me. I am addicted to you: your voice, scent, the look in your eyes when we made love. It has been torture not having you around to quench that desire. Looking into your face made me feel whole, beautiful, safe, healed; I knew I was where I belonged gazing at you.
I don’t know. Perhaps this is all my regret speaking, wanting to change my past. Perhaps we have had our happiness together and it really is time for me to separate our paths. I have held on for two long years, even with your anger, and I can still say that I love you with who I truly am. It has not changed…for me.

back home after the hawaii trip. i got to have a close up encounter with a sea lion at sea life park. it was incredible! i've always loved sea lions, they like to bask out in puget sound near our house and i've grown up listening to them bark. i could spend hours at the aquarium in front of the sea lion tank watching them swim. and now i've gotten to touch and play with two of them! it was awesome and i hope to put up pictures on myspace in a week or so. it'll have to wait till i get back to montana and hook up my computer to the internet again. it's strange to think that summer is nearly over and soon i'll be 21.

another day gone by with broken dreams

really don't want to condemn myself before things get situated and finalized...but it's hard to not think i'm spinning my tires. floating high above it all, it's difficult to not sound cliche. i was tired when i woke up this morning, tired all day, and now when the clock strikes one i find it hard to drag myself away from my thoughts long enough to fall asleep peacefully. there are so many things in my life that i wish i could change. so much that i don't want on my mind, in my memory. but there is nothing left to do about those things, and the only path i have is forward. but how do you move forward when you feel there is nothing ahead of you. suicide isn't an option so much as it was before. broken hearts and broken wings don't hold back my feet from walking. it's the heart that is tangled with my head. what to do and where to go. zig zag, fake left, surge right; no goal in view. i want to tell myself that there is something spectacular over the horizon. something wonderful waiting for me once i clear these thick woods. maybe an open field full of little white daisy's.
there was once a time when i laid in that grass, and felt the soft wind blow through my hair, cool off the sea water. there was once a poet in me, that wrote pretty verses to the rhythm of the world. the ticking of a clock didn't make me twitch with anticipation. there was once a reason behind my madness, a back to my front.
what do you do after you think you have found your souls mate but come to find they have left you behind? are they really your soul mate or was it just infatuation that you felt all those years, through the trials of life...what do you do?

this morning i woke up vomiting on my pillow. nothing but bile but my throat still burned...and it was gross. i was having a dream about throwing up that was so violent it happened in real life. strange.
tonight we had a short storm roll over. complete with heavy rain, lightning and thunder. very fun to watch. some bolts were very close and large, causing thunder to shake the building we were in.
friends are dropping like flies around me. i have very few i know who truly care about me. this bitterness won't end soon, even though we only have a few weeks left to the semester. i must stay two months into the summer before i can go home. then there is the obstacle of hawaii. my parents are planning to go in August...and i would have gone too...until everything happened. we'll see. i'd be content to stay at home in Seattle with the puppies.
Two more weeks of school, plus finals week will bring me past the first week of may. The 8th marks summer classes starting. I won't be able to go home for another couple of months. I'm not happy about that.

back in billings this sunday afternoon...wishing i hadn't left seattle so early, but my parents insisted on it. i hope to see the therapist tomorrow...i talked to him on the phone while i was in seattle and told him what had happened. he has things to tell me and we shall reflect on the goings on. i predict much more tears to come. i am not at all prepared for these events...

back home again. surrounded by those who love me most. i've spent practically 24 hours crying. i have waited nearly two years to talk to him freely, unlimited...and it did nothing. all that i have waited for, all this time that has been spent, was for nothing. he loves me no more. in truth he loves another, which i have no equal to, and am now the lesser. i am not beautiful nor special as i once was. i am the plain and the unwanted. though for the sake of our friendship (for more than 6 years) he wishes we remain in contact...as much contact as he is allowed. i may or may not hear from him in another 3 months.
all our shared words confirmed what i feared most: he has changed beyond recognition. beyond hope. there is nothing left of the man i once called my love and soul mate as i had hoped and held on for. he speaks the words of all the rest. he tells me to help myself. to do something for myself to make myself happy.
i am beginning to wish...for a miracle.

It's been two weeks since break, so i'm updating. All in all things are good. Minus the large amount of snow we received last weekend, most of the ice is gone from the roads except in shaded patches. It's been freezing cold in the morning then warms up by 10.
This week is animal week in art and chinook modeled on tuesday! she was a good girl as usual. this morning before i left for the barn, she and sam were playing "sam sits in the dog bed while chinook pulls him around the floor"! it was so cute! i wished i had a camera. they get along so well.
May get a job at petsmart, but i need to call the cat sanctuary first. In fact i think i'll do that now while it's on my mind.
Out.

it actually drizzled today to my great amazement and surprise. i was delighted to smell the damp pavement mixed with the refreshed scent of wet grass. that is one of my most favorite smells - after rain. it reminded me of so much: home where it always rains; camp when i was young, bright, and uninhibited...
i feel good for once. i got a lot accomplished today that needed done before friday. now the most impending thought is that of my art mid-term and how i am to finish it by thursday. ugh...i want this week to be over already! 3 more days, just 3 more days.

up-dated my page and my icon (yay sherant!). I go home in just a few days. Friday night I fly out and don't return till Sunday after this. I'm very ready to leave.

check out KT Tunstall. i'm really digging her sound.

yay! tommorrow's high is 32! that so depressing that i'm excited about it...it's so cold here. i nearly froze this morning doing barn chores. although i must say i had a better day than i thought i was going to have. i saw three bucks in my front yard this morning, one was but 20 feet from me (removing the house). i love the feeling of accomplishment.

seems to be my kind of luck. woke up this morning at 6 am for barn chores and found a large hole in the right side of my wind sheild. i was an hour and a half late since everyone is in Dillon this weekend for a horse show and i had no one to give me a ride. then my friend gave me 3 of her stalls just cause she came to pick me up. i had 10 stalls this morning. oh well...only 7 tomorrow. i'm still wondering how this hole came to be in my wind sheild. the hole looks very suspisiously like that of a large hammer. i didn't find any object in my car that could have made it, and glass was everywhere. the window guy just came and picked up my car to get the sheild replaced. he said he'd call me when it was ready to be picked up, hopefully it will be sometime later this evening. i hate being without my car...it just makes sense that it would happen on a chore weekend too...that everyone (including my room mate) is out of town. i questioned nich about it...he was the only one i could think of you might want to do something this outragious. oddly enough i believe him that he didn't do it. or have anything to do with it. he seemed honestly mad that someone had done such a thing to my car...which was very nice of him to say the least. considering.

Champion Carter's Noble Shaka Zulu

i suppose an update is needed. not that anything different is happening in my life that is worth mentioning. we had 5 days to complete an art project of hands...it killed me. i'm so sick of drawing hands. i lost a lot of sleep over it...and i didn't even really like it. sometimes after long projects like that...where people are given enough time so that we can really see what they are capable of...i sit and wonder why on earth they are an art major. i'm not saying i'm the best by any means but i wonder why they think they can draw or why they submitted that piece when it's obvious they didn't try or put effort into it.
our next project is a full figure...of any living thing. i'm excited. although i know some of my friends in the class won't be trying anything new i'm still debating on the subject for mine. if i want to take it easy and do a wolf or horse or dog or actually push my limits and find something different...

smeared black ink...running from my eyes. the cop said not to defend you, but i couldn't help but try and not get you in trouble. my legs are all scratched up, my face slightly pink, my teeth sensitive. my friends are all supportive, tell me you are an ass hole, to forget you. i can't say i'm not trying. it's been a long while since i've had those words said to me...it's surprisingly painful. don't worry though, i'll keep my distance. i've done all i thought possible and have had all attempts back fired. i'll not add that class, no need to cause either of us any more pain than we already face. a flicker was what we were, a dangerous candle flame dancing in the night, but wind has come to blow us out, and we have no means for re-lighting.

strawberry gashes. i know i shouldn't but i can't help myself. last night i got the most compliments on my beauty i've had in a long time. too bad it was all fake. this body is no more beautiful than a pool of rotting sludge. i'm sick of being hurt and hurting. screaming on the inside and smiling on the outside. i let people use my body. slide their bare hands over my breasts and down the curve of my waist to my hip, delving deep with penetrating fingers. i loose feeling in my hands, tingles shiver through my palms and out my nails. if only they could see my broken heart, the way it bleeds, if only they could understand that my body is just a vessel to be used.
he told me to kill myself. to go ahead and lay the blade down the road. another person i thought i loved and loved me back. everything has come full circle and the memories are as fresh as today. i never thought someone could be that heartless to say those words to me again. again. after 5 years...it hurts to have everything brought back to the surface.
all these things that i have done. everything that has been done to me. i feel that falling spiral again. pulling me down, trapping me under the black waters, i don't struggle, maybe this is where i belong anyway. this is my true home, down in the depths of despair, surrounded by the black of death and the red of the blood that no longer pulses through my veins.